My Final Post?

Not to sound cocky, but I think I've stumbled upon the ultimate Christian test. After reading behemoths like Isaiah, I guess I assumed I'd tear through the New Testament. In truth I'm crawling, but it's humbled me in transcendent ways I couldn't begin to describe. Reading the sermon on the mount, I was darn near overcome with tears-- I've never read such a loving encapsulation of how selflessly and purely this world should function. Like all Scripture, it interconnects intuitively: the only way to be one with Christ is to love one's brother and neighbour, to never deny anyone, and how else could His suggestion to "let tomorrow worry about itself" ever bear fruit? The con: it would work perfectly if the whole world embraced it. The pro: it would work perfectly if the whole world embraced it. Let us never assume that this world needs to be the greed-centric cesspool it is. That's what humanity collectively chose for itself. I digress.

"So what's his freaking point?" you're wondering. All the laws and rituals and covenants are about as meaningless as your fingerprint. I finally understand what Solomon was talking about in Ecclesiastes when he dwelled so much on that term: meaningless. The fact is, by living a flawless and perfect life, you become what Christ describes equally as the greatest and the least. Least in that you have nothing: not your possessions, not your will, not your memories, not even your identity. Greatest in that you have everything: Oneness with Him. Ironically, I'm not sure I've ever met someone mature and faithful enough to truly take up the cup. Here it is, 824 pages into my Bible, the first verse I can't accept:

Matthew 22:30
At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.

Like angels in heaven. What do we know about angels in heaven? Well, firstly, they rendered it imperfect. God, in his divine foresight, could have prevented all forms of anguish and pain had He simply chosen to do one thing differently: not create Satan. Of all the things God chose to permit, that's the one that set the little clump of snow rolling down the hill to eventually become a cataclysmic ball of destruction. We'd like to think that God, in His holiness, didn't invent evil. Perhaps He didn't. Then again, I didn't create dynamite, but I were created with a mind bent on destroying things, and subsequently handed a stick of the stuff, who truly sets it off? So let's be fair: whether we want to credit the LORD with evil's creation or not (moot point, in many ways), we must acknowledge one great truth: without it, there would be no means of testing faith. Christ said as much:

Matthew 18:7
"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come!"

Not evil has come. Evil must come.

And so, as we finally coast into my point (it wouldn't be a me post, were it not verbose), what must you surrender to be spared damnation? Absolutely everything. And, please, don't think in terms of the physical world. Instead, think of your most precious memories, the people with whom you've shared everything this world has tricked you into falsely justifying with emotion. Virtually everything you hold dear, from the tangible to the esoteric, your principles, your personality, the silly notion that you might meet loved ones in heaven, surrender it all. Once you do, you become nothing in yourself and everything in Christ.

Matthew 22:23-32
23That same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question. 24"Teacher," they said, "Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and have children for him. 25Now there were seven brothers among us. The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. 26The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on down to the seventh. 27Finally, the woman died. 28Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?"

29Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. 30At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. 31But about the resurrection of the dead—have you not read what God said to you, 32'I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob'? He is not the God of the dead but of the living."

Bear with me now: the reason we don't feel the loss of those we don't get saved, is because even our very identities die on the cross. The reason our lives are meaningless, as Solomon wrote, is because we answer to this ultimatum: keep yourself and let it suffer eternal anguish, or forget yourself and live in Christ. But how many of us hold dearly to the selves through which our eyes gaze? How many of us want heaven to be a meeting place for the individualities we create on Earth, a place for us to convene with fellow believers and worship and serve God forever? To me, if I am to be replaced with an angelic being, I question this whole notion of self. I question whether heaven and hell are just slants, not opposities. New lenses through which an unknown me might have the privilege of existing forever. We think about damnation as punishment, but it seems to me that what Christ tells us through Matthew that our ultimate fate is more a matter of station, not bliss or oppression.

In case you haven't realized it yet, this is absolutely the greatest hurdle I expect to encounter on my Christian journey. So much, in fact, that I feel it can't continue until someone picks me up and places me on the other side of this hurdle. Selfishly, when I first read the above passages, I was somewhat embittered about my self-instilled belief that our lives are better when shared with a soulmate. (Thanks, Disney!) I felt that, while I may experience joy in this world, that it could be tenfold, or more, if shared with a trusted confidante. Ever since I was five, I wanted someone like the heroes in those animated films had. It didn't have to be as glamourous, but it had to be as real. And when I first read Matthew 22:30, I felt robbed of that. But upon reflection, I feel robbed of my very identity. This in spite of the fact that I realized quite some time ago that Christ wasn't asking for me to clean up my lifestyle. No, God wants us to be living sacrifices to Him, not for us to sacrifice earthly things but to be sacrifices ourselves. And yet, in my selfishness, I chose to limit that to things I do or act or think. I often fail, but that's where I had drawn the line in the sand. Didn't realize I was the line.

So, tell me, if you dare, how does it sit with you? Maybe my interpretation of the above passages are completely bonkers, but it seems to me that I couldn't sit here and think of anyone in my life who I could cite as an example. I'm not meaning that to sound condescending; I'm a complete failure at what I've interpreted. Not enticed by hedonism, mind you, but pretty sour on the idea of salvation, at least for the time being. I don't mean to throw in the towel, but I fail to see the joy of serving God and worshipping Him forever if He needs to replace me with a perfect automaton-- though I should have clued in much sooner; all imperfect things in His holy presence are instantly vaporized. That is how it seems to work. Even the way He projects Himself via clouds and fire can destroy those who enter His holiest rooms without consecrating themselves. As to the promised land, all we can do is strive toward becoming nothing, and thus earn a place at His table. So, I think I understand how it works now. What I don't get is the point of it.

It's like I just told a friend: I'd be honoured to attend your birthday party, but, after it's all said and done, if I won't even know you existed or had a birthday, why bother? Can I give up vices and sins (or try to) to be with the LORD? Yes. Can I give up James? I don't know yet. Why should one even care about morality and laws and principles if they're just illusions to distract us from complete submission?

Anyway, I won't contribute another word to this blog until I render a decision there.

EDIT (and I'll make this the only one):
Says my friend: We do have to sacrifice everything to enter heaven, James.
Says I: But we don't get to. The one doing the sacrificing never knows heaven.