Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Work and Rest

Haven't been reading much lately. It's wearing on me. Work has been hectic and I've come home so mentally shattered that I've hardly read any Scripture this month. Not surprisingly, I find myself awfully vulnerable to negative thinking and depression. To be fair, I haven't scheduled enough time with God, and I haven't sought His guidance in the moments I most should have--well, it should be the norm, not the exception. Call it what you will--unintentional self-experimentation, propaganda, hooey--but I'm starting to think that, even though it seems like it would drain me, taking evenings off from diving into theology and the gospel is harder than actually exercising the battered grey matter. Of course, work has filtered into my spare time over the last several days. In moments of fellowship and worship, I feel energized and vital. But once everyone disperses, I can clearly feel my enthusiasm taper off and dip. For now, I'd like to draw two tentative conclusions about the above:

1. If my happiness and attitude improve with faithfulness and commitment to God, it seems fair to offer this as perspective evidence that He's very much alive and real. While I believe it in my mind, sometimes I'm lacking in heartfelt conviction. Virtually all the signs and nuances through which He reveals Himself suggest I should let go of whatever earthly things I'm still clinging to, and on that note I pray that He'll enlighten me as to what they are. Confusion should not be treated as abandonment but a reason to grow closer to Him.

2. Now that I see all this, it is perfectly within my power to mend it all and recapture the joy I got from investing more of myself into God's care. I'm exhausted from running mental circles. It's time to move forward again.


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