Thursday, November 08, 2007

Ode To Those Who Think I've Been Brainwashed

No, I haven't deserted you. Some of you have already come forward; some wouldn't dare broach the subject. That's fine. I will be just as respectful of your confusion as I have been of your friendship over the years. I've spoken to many of you in the past about spiritual matters, but I've certainly never demonstrated such a devout commitment to God in the past. Without meaning to sound condescending, you must accept me for who I am or not accept me at all. If you wish to speak to the person I was, to the person who nonchalantly journeyed through this world, the person that "lived" before my life-changing experiences of last month, I'm afraid it's henceforth impossible. Again, not to sound melodramatic, but if you think I am the same person I was before, the same half-being that never felt genuinely satisfied, ever, in spite of what you perceived, perhaps you should hold a funeral in his honour. That James is dead.

It's not that my life will be without challenges; quite the opposite, in fact, as I am now possessed of senses of repentance and accountability when I stray from God. However, and much to my constant peace and bewilderment, I never feel alone anymore. Again, if you need closure, if you need to address the person that once lived for himself, the one who tried to forge his own way, mourn him. He is no more. I can't stress that enough. Your insistance that I am merely passing through a phase is not something that I would allow to dissolve our friendship, but you must understand that it encroaches on me. It is an unwelcome sentiment, but, so long as it does me no harm, I won't shun you, unless God decrees it. While I might feel inclined to minister to everyone, God will only gravitate me toward those He chooses. None of it is for me to decide, but I will make every attempt to function as God would have me function, and, as such, I will try to treat you all with the utmost grace I can. Even if you feel a misplaced sense of loyalty to the old me and try to sabotage my progress. If it can be broken, it's not real. Correct? (I trust that it can't be, and I only see it strengthen with time and prayer.)

Do I think myself more enlightened or spiritually powerful than any of you? Absolutely not. But I genuinely believe that God is infinitely enlightened and of omnipotent stature. Through Him we can all achieve things that greatly transcend our own breadth and scope. I could never describe how humbling it is to achieve peace, to completely let go of things that once brought me shallow intellectual distraction. What you must understand is that these things never brought me peace. They never brought me fulfillment. They challenged my mind, which is what you saw evidenced in our exchanges. It was legitimate only in a sense of musing. It was not real. You see, it's only through honesty that I arrived at my present state. I am by no means a saint, but I am invariably thrust into a state of ecstacy when I sense I've done God's will. I once described it as a million Christmases, but it falls short of even that. It's incomprehensibly marvellous.

I am not individually like God, but, when I do things for Him, I catch a glimpse of my future with Him. In giving away my will, I've achieved a will to be happy. In giving away my life, I have the promise of a better one, free of pain. Virtually everything I have surrendered has been returned to me anew, without scars, cleansed. I love it. Perhaps I can never again lay claim to any of my successes, but I can thoroughly enjoy the luxury of having a front row seat to witness of the wondrous good God might perform through me. This, for me, is the state I didn't know about back when I met most of you. If you try to destroy it for me, I can't say how God will react. I would never stop praying for any of you, no matter what, but I will not tresspass against the Will that has been spliced with mine for the sake of anyone.

I am not aggressive in my methods. I will never force-feed you anything scriptural. I choose instead to let my example do the talking. As such, if you should see me in my state of happiness, if you should care at all for my health and safety, do not tell me how I came across it. Do not insist it happened independently of God or suggest I have studied my way into complacency. Most of you, however, saw me attempt as much. It failed. I never discovered any kind of cosmic balance. It found me. Not only that, it tried to embrace me my entire life. To my shame, I almost missed the call. If you do care for me, then take comfort in the fact that I will never be unwhole again. Having finally opened my eyes, I would rather go blind from the light than regress to the desolate dreams I used to embody. Trust me as I say all this, or trust me never again. I am not impervious to pain, but I am impervious to harm. My body can be broken, and the world will surely break it. My spirit will succeed it, though. I invite you to join me, but that is a term you must reach on your own.

In summary, I will explain my faith to any of you, and I invite you to ask. But I will NEVER EVER EVER apologize for my commitment to Jesus Christ.

May God bless you all.


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